Affairs of the Heart

I am grateful. Sometimes I can get caught up in what I feel and how life is twirling out of control around me and then days like today hit where you are just overwhelmingly grateful. Now, just because it is Valentine's day and I have a great husband and am happily anticipating a little one, didn't necessarily bring this onslaught of gratefulness, though it contributed. Today was one of those days where you usually see happy lovebirds out and about, flowers delivered to the office, and the patients bring you delicious chocolates. These things were happening with a delicious predictability that makes such holidays "fun".

Except today a friend who is struggling with infertility and trying to adopt out of the country wept with great abandon while trying to control herself. It broke my heart to see her struggles that have bombarded her with despair. I have seen so many friends, with my big sis included, who have struggled with infertility, and I have seen the same look in their eyes. I was beginning to feel guilt because I am so blessed to have a happy pregnancy with all the excited anticipated nervousness one can have with their first child. I know the presence of happiness in someone who hasn't struggled with what you have struggled with can make the despair even greater.

So, I sat pretending to do my paperwork all the while wanting to run. Then I remembered my long courtship. For various reasons my now husband and I had to wait a long time to get married. During this time many friends courted and married with an ease that I envied. Also many times in the 5 years of unbelievable heart struggle, well meaning people expressed their disbelief and made "helpful" comments so as to comfort me. I remember these comments with great clarity and try to not make simple statements with false words of comfort over something I have never been through and don't understand. Today, wanting to say something of some comfort to my friend, but not be one of "those people," I shrank away both physically and emotionally.

Thinking back on my own personal struggles during our courtship, I realized that the friends who really helped were not necessarily single, but also some of those same people who had married quickly. The friends that really were of comfort were the ones who just came alongside me, despaired with me, and lived life with me. These were the ones whose very presence at my wedding meant so much. Now, some were single and struggling and some married with an ease that I envied, but all had the same heart. They didn't necessarily understand, but I received comfort through them.

As I turned and watched my friend try to gain control of her tears, I decided to just go and hug her. After the tears we joked and laughed and I prayed in my heart that maybe she would find a calmness and peace with the "normal" workday. I prayed that through her despair she would gain a small comfort in the small actions of the people around her. I also prayed that she would gain great blessing and give a comfort to others who do struggle with the same thing in a way that I could not quite give her.