What I've Been Learning

One of my favorite mentors e-mailed me and asked me to write about my season in life and what I'd been learning. She asked a bunch of women in different seasons to give their input for a retreat and asked what kind of advice that we would give college girls. Here's what I wrote. It really helped me to clarify my thoughts so I thought I'd share.

In May of 2007 I had my first little boy. He was born, and our world was changed. Before the baby came I had all the excitement and anticipation of being a new mother. I was excited that I was getting to be a stay at home mom and somewhere I guess I thought that it would be the best experience of my life. It has been, but not in the way that I expected. You see, I expected there to be an immediate overwhelming love for this little boy. That I would be sleep deprived, but that the baby would be so much fun that I wouldn’t even think about it. I had planned on breastfeeding being hard, but expected that I would be able to feed my son. I remember before James was born that my husband and I prayed regularly that he would know God and be a man after God’s own heart. What I didn’t realize that God was going to use this little boy to mold me and shape me and stretch me beyond what I’d ever been stretched before.

My baby was born a few weeks early and had severe acid reflux. Breastfeeding was incredibly hard. My son didn’t take much milk at a time because of the reflux and would eat on and off every hour to an hour and ½. The first five months of his life was like a hellish nightmare where nothing goes right. He cried for over 5 hours every day and nothing I could do would comfort him. After about 5 weeks of this the pain overwhelmed me. I felt like I didn’t really love this crying mess of a child and I resented having no sleep and not being able to have any time that I wasn’t with him. I remember feeling like I had not only failed my son, but my husband, me, and most importantly God. I had overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and fell into a deep depression. I remember just lying on the bed with a screaming baby next to me praying that this would end and that my son would just sleep. It seemed that the prayers we prayed before James was born were futile in comparison to our current need of sleep. I kept thinking, “Isn’t parenting supposed to be rewarding?” One day my husband asked me to do something, and such anger and frustration welled up in my soul that I threw a water bottle at him. I missed, but my husband called my doctor because he saw that I had post- partum depression. The doctor put me on some anti-depressants and my sister recommended a marriage and family counselor.
This seemed to help pull me out of the pit. I had been frantically trying to be the perfect mother and had somehow expected to have the perfect child. At least a child that was “normal” and happy. God was slowly breaking down my need to follow the perfect schedule and have a happy baby. Over the next few months I saw a little picture of how much God loved me even though I wasn’t perfect. He helped me realize that there was nothing in my power that would lead this child to him. I had to rely on God. My dependence on God began to grow. Then our moms group read a book together that gave me a good perspective on parenting.

I had read many books prior to giving birth and most of them were how-to books. In fact while my son was screaming, the most unhelpful thing many people would do was recommend some of these aforementioned books. The subtitle of “Sacred Parenting” (the book we read in our moms group) is “How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls.” In the book the author states that the eternal and lasting reason that we should have kids is because God commands it (Gen 1:28). I realized that no matter where I am in life God has commanded me to love Him, yet I also know that my meager love is nothing in comparison to His love.

The biggest lesson I learned was that having my son wasn’t about me. Getting my child to stop screaming, on the perfect schedule, or doing all the right developmental things for my child would do nothing if I didn’t have God to lead me. I saw all my selfishness come to the forefront and was ashamed because all along it was really about God. God called me to raise this child for His glory, not mine. No amount of scheduling or getting him to sleep or having this kid obey would make me any better in God’s eyes. God just wanted me to learn to love this child and point the child in the His direction, but only with His power to help me.

What would I have wanted to learn in college to help prepare me? I learned a lot in college that did indeed help me cling to my faith, and here are a few things that might help:
You need to know yourself and what God says about you.

• Learn your basic strengths and weakness while you are single and young. You will never see everything, but this will help point you to the areas that you can grow.
• This leads into the next one which is as Beth Moore in Breaking Free says, “Deal with your Stuff.” Know your history, your weaknesses, and tendencies and get help whether through a counselor, friends, or an accountability partner, etc. Lam 3:27-38
• Be teachable: Eph 2:9-10—We are created for good works. Phil 1:6—He that began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. Being teachable will help you through what ever God puts in your path.
• Study God’s Word. Take a precept class or any Bible study that really teaches you how to delve into God’s Word. Books are great, but the one True Word is the only thing that you really need. God gave me more discernment while reading some of the self-help parenting books, and He kept me from falling into a more legalistic form of parenting that would not have been good for my high strung child.

I feel that each of us has our own story. My story really developed my compassion for other moms. God used this growth in my life to be less condemning and arrogant toward others. In fact, it has really enabled me to help others who are going through similar experiences.